Posted in Emotional Eating, Food, Overeating, Self-Reflection

Emotional Roller Coaster

I think I’ve eaten about a cup of Lay’s French Onion Dip, and nearly a whole bag of Old Dutch Rip-L-Chips.  The lays dip is not NEARLY as satisfying as the Old Dutch brand would be, but apparently that doesn’t stop me.

If you haven’t read my previous post, you don’t have to.  Suffice it to say that I’m going through a pretty difficult time in my life right now and some days are worse than others.  Today wasn’t supposed to be one of those days–I woke up feeling like I had made steady progress since the surgery on Friday, that I was built for joy and that it would all be sunshine and rainbows from here.  I was able to snuggle with Jeff last night and feel like our relationship would be okay, and that went pretty far towards my waking up in a good mood today.

But I was up at 3:30, stayed up until 4, slept in until 7, then went back to bed at 8:30.  I finally got up at 9:45am and I wanted to choose to have a good day.

Then my arms started aching–my triceps felt like I’d been doing extensions all night long.  My sides ached, like I’d been doing ab exercises for hours.  The top of my abdomen pulled like there wasn’t enough to reach from my sternum to my belly button.  And I had the claws and cramps digging in to my uterus.  In short–The physical side effects of my surgery were shouting at me to pipe down and stop trying to be happy.

I hung out at home for most of the morning.  It was great, really–Jeff made pancakes, which we had with fruit for breakfast.  We watched TV with the parents until it was time to actually meet up with Gloria and Mike, again. I’m built for joy, I’m  having a good day, there’s nothing that could possibly go wrong.  So we piled into the car, we drove out to the malt shop, and we got together with Mike and Gloria.

She was radiant.  Her belly has popped and she is carrying pregnancy beautifully.  She’s happy and her little one is healthy, and she’s excited for her baby shower coming up in just a couple weeks.

And I’m happy for her, truly I am, but all I could think about was how sore I still am; how the bruise on my arm, where the IV was inserted, has blossomed into an ugly mark that reminds me right now that I’m not pregnant anymore.  I saw the back of my hand and how grey the skin is from the bruising from another needle that was necessary for my surgery, and I just pulled in on myself.
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Conversation still flowed around me and I tried to stay light, but the truth is that I felt horrible and disconnected by the time we left.  Jeff could tell, but he couldn’t understand it, because I had been saying all morning how good I’m doing and how it’s going to be such a good day.  We had to go to the store afterwards, and I was irritated about it, and couldn’t really hide it.  So, when we got home, I said that I was tired and begged off to take a nap.  I laid in bed and googled “muscle pain after D&C” and “side effects of anesthesia” and read forum posts about women who have gone through what I’m going through.  I read that it was normal that I haven’t been able to go since Friday and that I should just drink lots of water to help with the bloating and discomfort, but that it can last for weeks.  I read that the muscle pain could be from the drugs used during the surgery that may have caused my muscles to seize before relaxing, or it could be from being moved while I was under.  I read that as long as I don’t have a fever, I pretty much just need to deal with it.

I was dealing with it, I was on the edges of sleep when a friend of a friend called about the baby shower.  She’d been travelling for two weeks, and drama this, yadda that.  “I don’t care,” I interrupted.  “If you want to help plan, be there on Saturday, otherwise, I don’t care.”

That’s not me, that’s not who I am, and she at least knows me well enough to know that, so she snapped out of her reverie and asked what’s wrong.  And I confessed to her, this woman that I don’t even know, that seeing one of my friends so happy has absolutely ruined my day and I don’t know how I’m going to plan a baby shower for her, feeling the way that I do.  So I cried, and I apologized, and I asked her if she could please be there on Saturday to take some of the responsibility from me, because I can’t guarantee that I’ll be any good at celebrating someone else’s pregnancy when I’m still very much mourning the loss of my own.  And I felt so guilty for it, so terrible for feeling sorry for myself, and the negative spiral continued.  She had plans to be out of town on Saturday, but hearing what I’m going through, she promised to be there.  She said that I could still come help celebrate my friend’s baby, and that everyone would understand if I had to quietly leave if it were too much.  I still have a couple weeks to figure it out…

I hate that things can’t just magically go back to the way they were before I even found out that I was pregnant.  I wish that this could just be my normal monthly cycle and not a medically necessary discomfort that I have to confront with all of my emotions.  I hate that there are good days mixed with the bad because I want to just move on and forget that any of this has ever happened–but having a bad day or a bad moment just reminds me that it’s true.

And so with all of this baggage left over from the weekend, I’m going to head into work tomorrow.. with my ugly bruise, and my heavy heart, and I’m going to try to pretend that everything is okay and that I’m not actually going to fall apart at any minute if someone says or does the wrong thing.

By the grace of all that’s good, I really hope that I can have a good day tomorrow, and not feel the weight of guilt, and sadness, and discomfort, when I have to look my colleagues in the eye and deal with their pity.  With all that I have, I hope I can be strong enough to just not cry at work.

Posted in Crafty, Life + Living

Cityscape at The Paint Pub

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I finally celebrated my birthday with friends.  🙂 My birthday was back on July 6th and I knew I wanted to go to the Paint Pub.  The shop sets up canvasses and paint, then leads a class in painting one specific thing.  The one I was really interested in was a cityscape of Minneapolis by way of The Stone Arch Bridge. 

When I got there, I was greeted by a lovely and chipper host who got me all set up at my work station.  The canvas and the easel were already set up, and the paint provided.  While I waited for the class to fill, I browsed a cute little boutique and considered other paintings I could do in the future.

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Towards the back, they had snacks and entrees available, along with wine, beer, and soft drinks.  For myself, I ordered a cheese tray and some ginger ale. There was a woman across from me, though, that ordered a panini that smelled delicious.  She was drinking white wine.

Our instructor began the class with a warm welcome and assured us that we’d hate our paintings at first, but to trust the process.  She said that we’re staring at it up close, so all we’d see is what we thought was wrong, but if we’d take a moment to step back and appreciate it as a whole, that we’d love pour paintings by the end.

It sounded, actually, like sage advice: if you’re looking at something so close that all you can see are the flaws, step back, and look at it from a distance to appreciate it as a whole.  I could definitely see this applying to a few people I know…

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As the class carried on, we were walked through exactly what to do. Everyone had their own perspectives and I heard a lot of people worry over how poorly they were doing.  I made it a point to be amiable, because I love art, and if someone else can discover a passion for it, they should. Far be it for me or anyone else to say someone isn’t good enough. There was a poor girl there, though, who was raising her arm with concerns and questions after every instruction.  She seemed really uncomfortable with the whole process.  Perhaps more wine would’ve helped. 😉

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Even though this one was pretty basic and rudimentary, it was just the kick start that I needed to get me painting again.  I’m thinking about whether I want to do a figure painting, a landscape, or a still life.  I took some photos of sunflowers, though, and I really enjoy depicting them.

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The class wrapped up around 9 and we all had our photos taken with our paintings. They all had different feelings, just like the personalities of the artists. I was glad to have shared the experience with friends 😀

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Posted in Challenge, Life + Living, Self-Reflection

Facebook Hiatus – Taking a Break From Social Media

I finally did it.  I acted on the idea that has been swirling in the back of my mind for more than a month now.  I changed my profile picture, my cover photos, and my settings… and I quit facebook.  For 30 days.  You can probably imagine why I would feel the need to take a break from Facebook.  You might even be reading this blog from your phone, from a place where the world is absolutely carrying on around you.  Or, you could be in the bathroom.  Can’t you be alone with your thoughts for even five minutes?

That’s the critique I gave myself, because I am on my phone, specifically on Facebook, CONSTANTLY.  Quite literally (not figuratively), I check my phone first thing in the morning before I get out of bed.  I’m not afraid to say that I bring my phone into the bathroom with me.  Everyone does it.  I check Facebook on the computer before I leave for work.  I check it again as I’m in my car, before I even pull out of the stall.  I check it after I park at work, just looking for something new that I might have missed.  I check it during the work day–it’s almost constantly in the background.  I check it in my car before I drive home from work, again in the parking spot at home, and then I migrate to my computer–and Jeff is on his–then we stare at our electronic devices in bed, then we kiss and fall asleep.

And why?  There is figuratively nothing worth looking at on my social media feed.  Good vs. evil, what state you should live in, what your vernacular says about you–and Buzzfeed! Gods, Buzzfeed.  What a time suck.

What am I missing?  Well, I don’t know–because it’s been this way for about a year or so.  I’m missing spending QUALITY time with my husband, I know that for sure.  I’m missing out on rich interactions with my friends because we’ve ‘interacted’ enough via facebook already that day.  The depth of my relationships is getting shallower and shallower.

Aside from relationships, I’m also losing out on productivity at work.  Do you think I can focus very well with Facebook taunting me in the backround?  3 new notifications! I must click them before I finish writing this e-mail.  Oops, I hear footsteps, better alt+tab.

I’m missing out on nature.  I try not to, but inevitably I’ll scroll through facebook while I’m out for a walk.  Someone honked at me while I was out for a walk the other day and I assumed it was some jerk from the high school judging me again.  Turns out, it was my neighbor.  If I hadn’t had my nose buried in my phone, I could’ve waved at her in a friendly manner instead of throwing my hands out in exasperation and shouting “What?!”  And for what?  Another Grammarly update saying that people on the internet will still correct you if you make a typo.

So, I’m calling it quits–for 30 days.  I want to WILL regain some of the depth to my most important relationships.  I want to WILL be present in my day to day interactions.  I want to WILL be more focused and productive at work.

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I think that the hardest part of this challenge is that I am going to New York City in a few weeks.  There will be brand new experiences–sights, sounds, friends, and photos that I’m sure I’ll be tempted to immediately upload onto social media.  And selfies! Oh my goodness, the selfies.  The thing is, though, before social media, I actually cherished my photos.  I looked back on them, I printed them out, I scrap-booked them, and if you were a special friend, I’d print a copy for you too.  Maybe I’d even put it in a really cute frame.

Just imagine how much more vibrant my memories will be if I can actually live and experience them rather than ‘capturing them for posterity Facebook.’

I imagine that I’ll just be more cognizant of my choices, take fewer photos, live more of my life than I put on the internet.

 

Have you ever taken a hiatus from social media?  What did you take away from it?  

 

P.S. I still plan to blog during this time, so don’t expect radio silence after I *just* got back  ::wink::

 

Posted in Life + Living

Kneehigh Productions: Tristan & Yseult at The Guthrie, MN

Megan + Jeff at Tristan & YseultTurns out, sometimes students get REALLY good deals for theater performances.  This weekend, we got to see Tristan & Yseult performed by Kneehigh Productions (from the UK!)  The opportunity was *so* good that we invited all the family that was in town to actually come along:

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Of course we wished our family far and away could’ve come with, but it was only 2 days notice for anyone involved.  C’est la vie, non?

The production was fantastic! Of course, I was really tempted to record some of the songs etc, but theater, much like movie theaters, have rules against such acts.  Probably even more so since their set etc. is also intellectual property–not just the performances.

The final act had me in tears, it was so moving. [spoiler alert] Continue reading “Kneehigh Productions: Tristan & Yseult at The Guthrie, MN”

Posted in Food, Life + Living, Overeating

Breakfast: scrambled eggs with veggies

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Yesterday, someone snuck a salad into my eggs, so, today I’m putting veggies in intentionally 😉

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Maybe it’ll help me cure my pizza hang over. We hung out with friends last night and ate really good food.

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Okay fine. It was “bad” food, but it was delicious, and we enjoyed ourselves 😀

“I will tickle you all back to health”

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“Klonex: Oh my.. I will tickle you all back to health.
Corrderio: Thanks.”

Gamer culture is weird, but that’s probably why I like it. Yesterday, I put in a 14 hour day at work followed by an hour or two of gaming.  I was having back spasms yesterday and that really put a damper on my mood.  Our guild had an event night last night, though, so it was fun to just give in to the distraction.

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Warning: neurotoxins can alter reality and produce harmful hallucinations

Yesterday wasn’t all bad, though.  I made it to and from work without incident, had a marginally healthy day, and got to talk to my friend Lyz for about an hour on the phone.  It was really actually pretty good.

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Today, I’m hitting the books, writing an essay, taking an exam, and hitting the gym.