MegsFitness on Nerd Fitness – Battle Logs!

I’ve blogged in the past about how much happier and more content I feel when I am following the core strengths of health and wellness – including eating well, sleeping well, exercising, and making time for personal goals.  So, it stands to reason that now, more than ever, I need to get back into the patterns of healthy eating, getting enough (and higher quality) rest, exercising, and making time for personal goals. 

This blog has become more of a personal journal for me, which will definitely incorporate health and wellness, but it’s always been about more than that.  For me, it’s been about recognizing the fact that my journey — whether it’s to weight loss, muscle gain, social changes, or family life — is going to be completely different from someone else’s journey, even if we share many of the same characteristics.  To that end, I still have every intention of maintaining this blog and getting back into writing about things that are fun, interesting, or relative to my personal narrative.  

My day-to-day fitness narrative is going to be captured at Nerd Fitness.  It’s a community of fitness-minded individuals and I really feel like that’s the sort of encouragement I could use at the moment.  What that means for the MegsFitness blog is that I’ll be cross-posting my weekly summaries here, so that at least part of this journal can resonate with the “-Fitness” part of the name 😀

I’m ready to get back to good.  I’m ready to lose weight, gain muscle, find my confidence, and conquer the world.  If you’re interested in joining The Rebellion, my “battle log” is found here: http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/52946-amis-last-first-post/

[Begin Crosspost]:

Name: Aminarra, aka “MegsFitness”

Occupation: Corporate Fleet Management Resolution

Previous Fitness Experience: 2 years on SparkPeople, 3 years with Weight Loss Warriors, 3 attempts at Weight Watchers, 1 attempt at Herbalife; 4 years high school strength training, 1 obstacle 5k, 10+ regular 5k Races, greatest weight loss 42lbs.

Current Level of Fitness: Sedentary.  It’s been 2 years since I’ve worked out consistently due to a severe back injury after the Warrior Dash.

“End Game” Goal: Working out 4+x/week, Settling at a healthy weight, ideally ~180, but more importantly having functional strength and physical health.

Short-term Goal: Begin working out 1-3x/week, at a beginner level to become re-acclimated to the fitness world. Begin reintegrating Paleo Lifestyle into eating plan  

Plan of Action:  Use Nerd Fitness to launch new fitness goals; integrate fitness guild with gamer guild for inspiration.  Generate weekly goals in the areas of nutrition, exercise, and personal.  Update status on goals at least weekly.

Outside of NF: 
https://megsfitness.wordpress.com/
http://www.vexxgaming.com/

Emotional Roller Coaster

I think I’ve eaten about a cup of Lay’s French Onion Dip, and nearly a whole bag of Old Dutch Rip-L-Chips.  The lays dip is not NEARLY as satisfying as the Old Dutch brand would be, but apparently that doesn’t stop me.

If you haven’t read my previous post, you don’t have to.  Suffice it to say that I’m going through a pretty difficult time in my life right now and some days are worse than others.  Today wasn’t supposed to be one of those days–I woke up feeling like I had made steady progress since the surgery on Friday, that I was built for joy and that it would all be sunshine and rainbows from here.  I was able to snuggle with Jeff last night and feel like our relationship would be okay, and that went pretty far towards my waking up in a good mood today.

But I was up at 3:30, stayed up until 4, slept in until 7, then went back to bed at 8:30.  I finally got up at 9:45am and I wanted to choose to have a good day.

Then my arms started aching–my triceps felt like I’d been doing extensions all night long.  My sides ached, like I’d been doing ab exercises for hours.  The top of my abdomen pulled like there wasn’t enough to reach from my sternum to my belly button.  And I had the claws and cramps digging in to my uterus.  In short–The physical side effects of my surgery were shouting at me to pipe down and stop trying to be happy.

I hung out at home for most of the morning.  It was great, really–Jeff made pancakes, which we had with fruit for breakfast.  We watched TV with the parents until it was time to actually meet up with Gloria and Mike, again. I’m built for joy, I’m  having a good day, there’s nothing that could possibly go wrong.  So we piled into the car, we drove out to the malt shop, and we got together with Mike and Gloria.

She was radiant.  Her belly has popped and she is carrying pregnancy beautifully.  She’s happy and her little one is healthy, and she’s excited for her baby shower coming up in just a couple weeks.

And I’m happy for her, truly I am, but all I could think about was how sore I still am; how the bruise on my arm, where the IV was inserted, has blossomed into an ugly mark that reminds me right now that I’m not pregnant anymore.  I saw the back of my hand and how grey the skin is from the bruising from another needle that was necessary for my surgery, and I just pulled in on myself.

Conversation still flowed around me and I tried to stay light, but the truth is that I felt horrible and disconnected by the time we left.  Jeff could tell, but he couldn’t understand it, because I had been saying all morning how good I’m doing and how it’s going to be such a good day.  We had to go to the store afterwards, and I was irritated about it, and couldn’t really hide it.  So, when we got home, I said that I was tired and begged off to take a nap.  I laid in bed and googled “muscle pain after D&C” and “side effects of anesthesia” and read forum posts about women who have gone through what I’m going through.  I read that it was normal that I haven’t been able to go since Friday and that I should just drink lots of water to help with the bloating and discomfort, but that it can last for weeks.  I read that the muscle pain could be from the drugs used during the surgery that may have caused my muscles to seize before relaxing, or it could be from being moved while I was under.  I read that as long as I don’t have a fever, I pretty much just need to deal with it.

I was dealing with it, I was on the edges of sleep when a friend of a friend called about the baby shower.  She’d been travelling for two weeks, and drama this, yadda that.  “I don’t care,” I interrupted.  “If you want to help plan, be there on Saturday, otherwise, I don’t care.”

That’s not me, that’s not who I am, and she at least knows me well enough to know that, so she snapped out of her reverie and asked what’s wrong.  And I confessed to her, this woman that I don’t even know, that seeing one of my friends so happy has absolutely ruined my day and I don’t know how I’m going to plan a baby shower for her, feeling the way that I do.  So I cried, and I apologized, and I asked her if she could please be there on Saturday to take some of the responsibility from me, because I can’t guarantee that I’ll be any good at celebrating someone else’s pregnancy when I’m still very much mourning the loss of my own.  And I felt so guilty for it, so terrible for feeling sorry for myself, and the negative spiral continued.  She had plans to be out of town on Saturday, but hearing what I’m going through, she promised to be there.  She said that I could still come help celebrate my friend’s baby, and that everyone would understand if I had to quietly leave if it were too much.  I still have a couple weeks to figure it out…

I hate that things can’t just magically go back to the way they were before I even found out that I was pregnant.  I wish that this could just be my normal monthly cycle and not a medically necessary discomfort that I have to confront with all of my emotions.  I hate that there are good days mixed with the bad because I want to just move on and forget that any of this has ever happened–but having a bad day or a bad moment just reminds me that it’s true.

And so with all of this baggage left over from the weekend, I’m going to head into work tomorrow.. with my ugly bruise, and my heavy heart, and I’m going to try to pretend that everything is okay and that I’m not actually going to fall apart at any minute if someone says or does the wrong thing.

By the grace of all that’s good, I really hope that I can have a good day tomorrow, and not feel the weight of guilt, and sadness, and discomfort, when I have to look my colleagues in the eye and deal with their pity.  With all that I have, I hope I can be strong enough to just not cry at work.

Wibbly Wobbly

The Doctor:  People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint – it’s more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly… time-y wimey… stuff.

[spoiler] If you are sensitive to the subject of miscarriage, for your own sake, read no further.

Gotta dash. Things happening. Well, four things. Well, four things and a lizard.

Liam

I can hear boys whooping in the field down the way, and a myriad of birds singing their songs. I can hear the creak of toads, the barking of dogs, the rustle of a squirrel… The candles glow faintly in their lanterns and in this moment, I am happy.

When times are stressful, and I’m anxious, I think this needs to be my happy place. A way for me to self soothe without stuffing my face. 

I WAS anxious yesterday. I re-met a friend I had years ago. He fell off the grid after high school because his parents had kicked him out for being gay, and he was never in one place for very long. He drifted from friends house to friends house and we drifted further and further apart.  I always wondered what happened to him. It’s been ten years, but yesterday, I got to find out.

In a vain attempt to reconnect, I had sent him a connection request on linked in.  It was years ago, and I had given up hope. Last week, though, he accepted the connection. It had updated contact info, and I immediately reached out.  We set a date for coffee, strategically placed in between work and school. If it went well, we wouldn’t spoil every subject. If it didn’t, well, then I’d have to be going to school a little early.

My stomach tied itself in knots at the coffee shop counter.  On impulse, I ordered chocolate chip banana bread.  Chocolate chip.  Was he going to judge me as a corporate drone? Was I going to judge him as a loser? There were no answers, only chocolate.

Liam got there. He was the same as I remembered, but different, oh so different.  The close cropped brown hair that I remembered was now shoulder length, and blond, a stocking cap pulled down low.  His eyes were warm and brown, alight with recognition when he saw me.

There was the awkwardness of meeting a stranger, and he dithered over what to order before he just had them make whatever they were making for me.  We stood, not really wanting to start telling stories at the counter.  The way he talked and laughed was different; he was trying to hide the damage that drug use had done to his teeth.

When we sat at the table, he took his jacket off, revealing a black undershirt printed with barbed wire down the sleeves. He wore jeans, and a light, short sleeved plaid shirt.  As I summed him up, I also wondered how he was summing me up.  Was I still the same? What about my features has my experience changed? Do I look like a prep?

Then we sat down to talk, and we were in high school again, and this was my friend, through thick and thin.  He told me about his struggles and his redemption, and I told him briefly about my career and my marriage. Mostly I just listened.  I listened about the experiences he had after we lost touch, about getting in trouble with the authorities, and the road he’s been traveling.  I listened to him debunk a rumour that started about 7 years ago saying he had had a kid.  He’s still incredulous about that one.  The hour went by much too quickly and suddenly it was time to go. 

As we stood outside, spending a few minutes in our Minnesota goodbyes, I invited him to a barbeque.  I told him that I’d have to pick him up, because buses don’t come to my neighborhood.

“Oooh, you’re in the rich area now…”

I denied it so vehemently, even though he’s right.

That night, I was thinking through it again.  I plowed through a bag of cheddar ruffles, a monster cookie, and a Philly cheese steak sandwich before I came to my senses.  I decided finally that judging, and observing, are quite different things.  Just because I notice things like employment or imperfect teeth, doesn’t mean I use that information to form the whole impression.  The whole impression that I formed was that Liam was my friend, and although he’s been through a lot, he’s still someone I could easily befriend.  I sent him a message after class and let him know that I’d be interested in being friends.  Here’s hoping I’ll hear back.

Nope, still in a slump

“Settle down it’ll all be clear. Don’t pay no mind to the demons they fill you with fear. Trouble it might drag you down, if you get lost you can always be found. Just know you’re not alone, ’cause I’m gonna make this place your home…”

I’m working on it. ❤

Bootstraps – pick yourself up by them

“Spend your lazy, endless crazy days, inside my head,
You’re so selfish, you’re not the only one who thinks he’s dead
I’m paid to smile, now I’m on trial for what you think I said
But I never said that everything would be ok,
And I never said that we would live to see another day..yeah..yeah..”

Sometimes a song comes along and it’s just *that* good at describing what’s going on that you listen to it every time you need to drag your arse out of bed. For me, that song is the Motivation Proclamation (aptly named) by Good Charlotte.

“Motivate me, I wanna get myself out of this bed,
Captivate me, I want good thoughts inside of my head,
If I fall down would you come around and pick me right up off the ground?”

I just realized I’ve been going to that song for over a decade when it’s dark outside and my hair is greasy and I’d rather call in “sick” to work than move a muscle (like today). It’s 27 degrees (F) and I was honestly considering asking if I could just work from home for 1/2 a day–the first half–so I could stay inside just a bit longer before getting cold. I abhor being cold. The song has got me out of bed this morning, but now I’m cozied up in my bathrobe. If Jeff hadn’t handed me a smoothie I probably wouldn’t even be thinking about breakfast yet.

“I’m realistic and narcissistic,
You say I’m selfish and absurd
You try to change me, you try to save me
You say I’m gonna learn, I’m so blind,
I’m out of time, You’re so unkind sometimes,
I never lied, I never lied, I never lied
Cuz I never said that everything would be ok,
and I never said that we would live to see another day..yeah..yeah..”

Originally he wasn’t going to make me a smoothie. My response when he inquired if I wanted one was decidedly neutral. But then I confessed that it’s the “right” choice and that I hardly ever make those and I’m not going to lose weight if I don’t.

He didn’t reply, but he handed me my smoothie, brushed my dirty hair away from my face with a caress and gave me a big hug.

“Motivate me, I wanna get myself out of this bed,
Captivate me, I want good thoughts inside of my head,
If I fall down would you come around and pick me right up off the ground? [x2]

(Right up off the ground.. Pick me right up off the ground.. Yeah..Oh)

Yeah, ‘Cause everything, it’ll be ok,
You know we’re gonna live to see another day,
Yeah…yeah…yeah…yeah…
Motivate me…yeah,
(I wanna get myself outta this)
Motivate me…yeah
(I wanna get myself outta this)
Motivate me…yeah
(I wanna get myself outta this)
Motivate me…yeah
(I wanna get myself outta this bed!)”

So with the combined powers of a song I’ve been rocking since high school, and an amazingly supportive man, I’m off to take a shower. And use a blow-dryer for my hair. And then I’m going to go face my day. I might even make it to work on time. I set my goals for the day:

1) Complete driver surveys
2) take my math test at work
3) exercise after work

Third Visit – and Dysthymia

The exact cause of dysthymia is unknown. It tends to run in families. Dysthymia occurs more often in women than in men and affects up to 5% of the general population.

The main symptom of dysthymia is a low, dark, or sad mood on most days for at least 2 years. In children and adolescents, the mood can be irritable instead of depressed and may last for at least 1 year.

In addition, two or more of the following symptoms will be present almost all of the time that the person has dysthymia:

• Feelings of hopelessness
• Too little or too much sleep
• Low energy or fatigue
• Low self-esteem
• Poor appetite or overeating
• Poor concentration

People with dysthymia will often take a negative or discouraging view of themselves, their future, other people, and life events. Problems often seem more difficult to solve. (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001916/)

I had the third visit with the counselor the other day and after telling her of the stresses, trouble concentrating at work, et al, she asked me to consider dysthymia.  I think that’s why I haven’t updated.  It’s overwhelming to consider that there might actually be something physical causing my trouble sleeping, trouble focusing, poor self-esteem, and over-eating.

I guess the light that I’m trying to consider is that if there’s a cause, there can be a cure.  But that’s something I’m still looking into.  In the mean time, I’ve re-joined sparkpeople and posted a blog about my “ah-ha” moment over there.  Since I just re-joined that site, I’m not really diving into the “Hey! I have issues..” thing, but I told of looking through our engagement pictures and completely ruining the experience for myself by being so self-critical.  So, first things first – the 3 W goals for the week – Water, Wake, Walk.  64 oz of water, 1 get-up-and-go song/day, and go for 1 walk/day.

The last time I got to good it was through sleep, nutrition, and exercise.  Maybe it can work again ❤

Getting back on track

Last week was a very good week as far as getting stress under control.  As you may have read, the visit to the second counselor went really well. After the revelation that she made, I was better able to handle the stress of the week.  One of the ways that I coped, though, was through cutting out my exercise routine.  Emily, my personal trainer, has been a champ at dealing with all of my canceled opportunities.  Honestly, when I was bogged down with everything else that was stressing me out, trying to keep an appointment with her stressed me out even more.  Why?  I don’t know.  Exercise truly makes me feel better, but in the heat of the moment, it was just one more thing that needed to be done that takes time to do.  I felt that if I took time away from doing homework that it wouldn’t get done.  I ended up staying at work until 10pm almost every night last week just to make sure it *did* get done.  Then, I just did things that made me happy.  Getting the homework off of my plate opened up the rest of the weekend where I could do things I enjoy:

(top to bottom, clockwise) – work, as I was leaving Thursday night, completed Pinterest Project (magnetic make-up holder), having Michael and Stephanie over for games, cooking healthy food, and fixing things for my grandma with my papa-bear.

To be fair, some of these pictures are older, but it captures the gist of things that make me happy.  That, and gaming.  I got together with a few people from the guild and did my first dungeon in GW2 this weekend:

Today I’m going to meet with Emily and catch her up on all of the goings on.  We’re going for a walk over lunch and then I’m going to get back into my fitness routine.  I’m starting up the C25k again, and hoping to use that in between my strength training days.

Glitter and goals, folks, that’s what’s going to get me back on track.

Feelings, nothing but feelings tryin’ to forget my feelings of hate

Though it isn’t picture perfect,
You know that we’re worth it
You know that we’re worth it
Could you love me?
Even with my dark side?

– Kelly Clarkson – Dark Side

Every now and again I go through phases where I find it difficult to just be happy with life.  It’s weird, in a way, because I know that I have lots of things to be thankful for — two furballs that bring endless cuddles and purrs, a big furball who loves me unconditionally (Jeff), a lovely home in a great neighborhood, enough money to pay my bills.  I go over this list and many other things on the list every time I am in what we call a “funk” to try to get some perspective and slap a smile on my face.

I’m not deep in a funk right now–I’m pulling myself out of one and I think I might have my toes in the water, ass in the sand, not a worry in the world, a cold beer in my hand, life is good today.  Life is good today. Um–Excuse me, Zac Brown Band, I was going somewhere with this..

Anyway.  As I was saying.  I’m on the tail end of a funk and I’m realizing that my environment tends to reflect my moods and one of the easiest ways to clean up my mood is to clean up my apartment.  In a moment of rebellion the other night, we decided to just cuddle up in front of the TV sans pants.  Well, those pants are still on the floor in the living room.  The cat has drug out a number of different objects of laundry in his training to be a cat burglar, and I am currently eating cereal out of my  smallest mixing bowl because all of my cereal bowls are waiting sadly in the kitchen for some attention.

The good news this time around is that it didn’t get as bad as it can, and it’s going away faster.  My eating didn’t (really) fall off track and if anything I’ve INCREASED the number of workouts that I’m getting.  I could go on and include some pictures for this entry, but alas, it’s time for me to go and I simply cannot be late today.

Have you ever been in a funk?  What’s your favorite way to get chipper?