Posted in College, Counseling, Emotional Eating, Fitness, Gaming, Life + Living, Menu Planning, Overeating, Wedding Planning

2012 – Out with the old…

Most bloggers are doing posts about 2012 and showing their personal version of the year in review. I keep TRYING to come up with things to talk about, but, all of you have been with me through the ups and downs of 2012.

We rang in the new year with news of my engagement, and then barreled right into the rest of the year, much of which was spent studying.

In March, my parents officially lost their house and so we moved them to their new home.  I kept busy with work.

In April/May, Jeff and I got our own place

June and July had us traveling to Canada for adventures galore.

August was probably my favorite month of all, because we got to have our Bridal Party Get Together. And–GW2 came out..

September and October were especially difficult but life has honestly been on an upward swing ever since.

November was a slow month, blogging-wise, but I had my highest-hitting blog entry with my Search for 1st Dance Wedding Songs (we’re still undecided).

December was probably the best month of the year and leaves me happily looking forward to 2013.

I have some new year’s resolutions tumbling around in my head, so, hopefully those will get posted tomorrow 🙂 For now, I’m off to make merry and ring in the new year with the family!  Thank you for reading my blog!


Posted in Emotional Eating, Food, Overeating

Happy Thanksgiving!

Here’s a blog from fellow blogger Gretchen.  Her feelings reflect mine perfectly, and, I’m not in much of a writing mood… so here you go 🙂 a ping-back for the lovely Ms. Gretchen:

I love holiday season. I love the festivities, I love the food (duh), and I love the general feelings of goodwill towards man that flow through the air from November through January. Everyone seems just a little friendlier, a littler more willing to say hi or lend a hand. Also, presents.




But the holidays are also a time plagued with other issues for me. The constant, continual offerings of food and feasting, drinks and dessert, have been very conflicting for me in the past. I’m sure it’s far too generalizing to say that it’s an issue that anyone who has struggled with eating issues has had, but I’d venture to guess that it is. It’s very wearying to have a running battle inside your mind, pitting your wants and desires against each other.

Yes, I want to eat and be merry and have fun with my family. No, I don’t want to overeat and feel guilty and stuffed, or look like a pig. Yes, I want to be able to indulge in food that I usually only get to eat once a year. No, I don’t want to gain that holiday weight. Yes, I want to eat pumpkin pie. No, I’m not sure I’ll be able to stop at just one slice.

Read More:

Posted in Counseling, Emotional Eating, Life + Living, Overeating, Self-Reflection

Taking a stand – you are not alone and neither am I

You can buy your hair if it won’t grow
You can fix your nose if you say so
You can buy all the make up that M.A.C. can make
But if you can’t look inside you, find out “who am I to
Be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty?”

I make myself feel damn unpretty sometimes.  Recently, I read a post by Honey I Shrunk the Gretchen about the struggles with self esteem and weight loss entitled You’re Not Alone. In reading the entry itself, I found myself welling up with tears because I know that I’ve been there and I didn’t realize other people would have the same thoughts that I did:

Katie Halchishick

” I fantasize about getting plastic surgery: gastric bypass, liposuction. I research fad diets, crash diets, celebrity diets. I wonder whether Fen-Phen is still a thing, and if I could get some (it’s not and I couldn’t, thank goodness). Sometimes, on really dark days, when I’m staring into the mirror at the body that I inexplicably despise, I fantasize about just cutting the fat off of my body.” – Gretchen Powell

I, too, have days like that.  When sitting, it feels like I’m just a stack of rolls… like the kids toy where they have to stack the rings in order.  I want to throw the rings away. I just picture taking the pieces that I don’t like and trimming them off to reveal the person I feel like I should be inside.  In the fantasy, it works just like woodcarving–no harm, no foul–but real life doesn’t work like that.



In the mean time, I’ve been considering diet pills.  There’s a whole 4′ section of my grocery store dedicated to get-skinny-quick fads and remedies.  At one point, I found myself hovering in front of the selection, biting my lip, hoping that I would find one that didn’t repel me.  I even took one off the shelf that had been endorsed by Bob Harper “It’s formulated to his highest personal standards and made with clinically proven key weight-loss ingredients. You can trust it works!”

You can trust it works. You can trust it works. You can trust it works…. The words echoed in my head and I put the box back on the shelf and walked away with a quickness.  In one moment, I was berating myself for even considering a quick fix, and at the same time I was mentally patting myself on the back for walking away.  There are no quick fixes.

I’ve been on Spark People, I’ve gone through Weight Watchers, I’ve had a personal trainer, and weight loss clinics, diet coaches, and fad diets.  I have the knowledge necessary to lose weight, but my problem is that I continue to eat my progress.  There’s a bigger problem here that needs to be resolved.  And I knew, at the moment that I referred one of Gretchen’s commenters to seek counseling that I was one who also needed to seek counseling.  Working out and eating right don’t erase the scars that were left by the hurtful bullies pushing me over and saying they were going cow-tipping, or the person who burst out in laughter the first time I was confident enough to show a little skin, or the constant feeling of being judged–and not being found worthy–every time I’m somewhere glamorous people gather.  I always hated shopping with my sister because she was fit and fabulous and I was tagging along as the fat friend.  A celery stick isn’t going ot fix that.  I’ve lost 45+ pounds, an I STILL have days where I get down on myself.

The negative self-talk, the disordered eating habits, the sabotaging food because I would otherwise keep eating it, the complete lack in self esteem that “Operation Beautiful” can’t fix… It’s not going to magically resolve itself even if I were to lose another 45 pounds.

So I’ve made the calls.  I’m not going to be a hypocrite and tell people to seek counseling because they have the same dark thoughts that I do.  I’m going to seek counseling and I am sharing it with you here today to say the same thing that Gretchen was trying to say – we’re not alone.  You’re never alone.  If you have self-destructive behaviors, or constantly put yourself down, if your way of “dealing with food” makes you feel ostracized or strange–there’s help.

Eating and Associated Disorders

National Association of Anorexia Nervosa & Associated Disorders (ANAD): 847-831-3438 (long distance)

National Mental Health Association: 800-969-6642 9AM-5PM Mon-Fri information on mental health topics and referrals, access to an info specialist

I’ll be chronicling my own experiences here.  If you want to share your thoughts or your own struggles, feel free.  And I encourage you to reach out and seek professional help, too.  It’s not a bad thing, it doesn’t make you a bad person, and there are many people out there going through the same thing.  We can do this.

Posted in Emotional Eating, Food, Life + Living, Overeating

Artificial Will Power…aka Abstract Art?

So I had kind of a rough day yesterday, and ended up blanking on the fact that I was supposed to give my brother’s girlfriend, Stephanie, a ride home from work.  I had just gotten home from grocery shopping–glad that I had beat the storms, and was talking to Jeff about developments with our wedding when my phone rang and Steph’s number came up on the screen.

My heart sank and I answered the phone “Please don’t hate me, but I forgot and I’m on my way right now.”

She, of course, is a complete sweet heart and was totally understanding and chill about the whole thing.  I called back and invited her to grab a bite to eat with me–my treat. We went to Broadway Pizza and split a burger.  It was easily enough food (a burger is 1/2 lb standard these days!) but we ordered cinnamon sticks anyway.  We were having fun talking and laughing but knew that we were eating the sticks just because they were there.

I decided to introduce Steph to my alternative form of will power.  I still wanted to hang out for a bit and chat because we were having such a good time, but I did not want to continue eating the cinnamon sticks… I explained this to Stephanie and said that the best way to stop eating something if you have no will power is to make it unappealing.  She was game, so I asked her to grab a condiment from the table.  She choose mustard.  I choose ketchup.  We squirted the ketchup and mustard all over the cinnamon sticks!  She even squirted some on my hand.  We were laughing and having a good time.

Steph: “It needs sprinkles!” *dumps red pepper on it”

She’s a pro sabotager, let me tell you.  By the time we were done, the cinnamon dessert was covered with ketchup, mustard, red pepper flakes, salt, pepper, water, and ice.  On the one hand, we felt bad wasting food, but on the other–they would have just thrown it out anyway, or we would have continued eating it for no good reason.

We left a good tip and a fun note… with no guilt, and our tummies just right.


Posted in Emotional Eating, Food, Overeating

How many no’s do you have?

The Snackbar sits kitty-corner behind my desk and has a multitude of goodies and snacks for $0.50 to $0.75 each.  I have to pass it every time I go to my desk, every time I leave my desk, and I have to hear the change dropping into the tray every time someone else makes a purchase:

I have literally gained four pounds since my desk got moved into such close proximity to the snack bar.  I know what you’re thinking, because I’m thinking the same thing: “Why can’t you just say no?”  I say no.  In the morning when I come in.  On my morning break both when I walk-away-from and return-to my desk.  At lunch, both directions.  

In the afternoon, it lurks behind me like a… thing that lurks.  Like something just beyond the field of vision but you know that it’s there. Did you know, that there have been studies regarding willpower?  The studies show that there is a limit the amount of will power each person has, and, like a flexed muscle, it is subject to fatigue.  Saying no, not just to food, but to any sort of temptation takes strength training.  Eventually, though, you just give in because you cannot keep any muscle flexed forever.  []  []

It makes me wish for days of yore when if something was not in my direct line of sight, it does not exist. As part of this out-of-sight-out-of-mind theme, I have asked the managers to move the snack bar out of the regular cubicle area… I am sure that I am not the only one with this problem.  I think they are considering putting it in the break room so that it is still in a high-traffic area, but not so in-your-face as to be where it is currently.  If they do that, then I will only have to fight the occasional temptation.  Like this doughnut that I found up for grabs in the kitchen when I went to wash my bowl from lunch:

Posted in Food, Life + Living, Overeating, Self-Reflection

Christmas in Canada

Welcome to Canada for Christmas!  I can’t believe that we had to drive over 500 miles just to have a white Christmas 🙂 We haven’t had a lick of snow in Minnesota that has stayed on the ground. Of course, we got to Jeff’s parent’s house and there was just enough snow to cover things, but not enough to play in.  Ah well…  A mild winter never hurt anyone, right?* (Don’t answer that).

We left right after work on Thursday afternoon… There was a LOT more traffic than I was anticipating and that kind of dampened my spirits a little bit.  Things let loose, though, around Rogers and so that helped quite a bit.  Crossing the border was easy-peasy-lemon-squeazy and we arrived at Jeff’s parent’s house around 1am Friday morning.  We didn’t do much that night because we were absolutely beat.  Thankful isn’t quite a strong enough word for how we felt about having a bed made and ready for us.

On Friday morning after getting some much-needed rest, Jeff and I headed out to one of the largest shopping malls in the region to secure some gift cards for his niece and his nephew.  Unfortunately, we couldn’t buy them in advance because US gift cards won’t work in Canada.  We braved the Boxing-Week crowds and stood in line for the cards and felt pretty damn accomplished… And then we found out from a friend that we could’ve avoided the hassle by going to the local Savers and buying the gift cards from there =P Oh well. Lesson learned. When we were done shopping, we had enough time to stop over at our friend’s house to catch up with them and meet their 3-week old son.  The guys chatted it up about the past and what has happened since we last got together and us women-folk chatted it up about child-birth, how things went, how things are going at home and what they want of the future.  With adult convo mixed in as well, of course–not everything can be baby-centric.  Their baby, though–ah! What a cutie.  I think this was the only time over the weekend that we went somewhere and did not make bad food choices.

Bad food choices abounded this weekend.  It started with A&W, proceeded downhill with Tim Horton’s and turned into an avalanche with all the Christmas goodies at all the parties we went to.  Gosh, if I had to list it all there would be things like mochas, double-doubles, timbits, chocolate cookies, peanut butter cookies, marshmallow…thingies…, fudge, cheese of all kinds, crackers, crisps, bacon, cake, pound-cake, lemon-pastries, egg nog, beer, burgers, fries, soda, some sort of dessert I don’t even know the name of that has something to do with Cranberries and orange marmalade…

Lol… I tried to track and Jeff intervened and said it would just make me depressed and that I should just eat within my daily points values for the rest of the week with the assumption that I have most definitely used up my flex points values for at least the next month.  I shouldn’t be laughing at that, but dang-it, we had a good time!


I had a moment on Christmas morning where it really hit me that I missed my family.  I made the rounds and tried to call my mom, dad, and brother and sister to just chat with them and say good morning on Christmas and not a single one of them answered their phones.

Of course, I was feeling sorry for myself and Jeff noticed and gave me a big hug.  That pushed me right over the proverbial edge and I admit to crying just a little bit.  As I went to our bedroom to finish feeling sorry for myself and wipe off my face, my brother called me back and told me to suck it up because I’d be home the next day.  LOL!  Just what I needed, for sure.  The rest of the day went really well.  All of the close family came over for gift exchanges at Jeff’s parent’s house and then we all piled in the car to go to Jeff’s Grandma’s apartment for a gift exchange there.  Most of the extended family had to leave right away because they had prior engagements, but Jeff and I stayed with his parents to have Christmas dinner with his Grandma.  She likes her new apartment and is adjusting quite well.  I was happy to see it, and I’m sure Jeff feels better to know that she’s getting along well now.

The drive home today was pretty uneventful.  Jeff and I subsisted on Timbits and Monster for the greater part of the 8 hr drive.  And, of course, there’s nothing to eat in the way of real food at our apartment so he had a rib sandwich and I had hotdogs from the gas station for dinner.  Ugh.  Can you say gut-rot?  I will happily return to my healthy eating schedule tomorrow.

How were your holidays this year?  What was the best and worst thing you did?

Posted in Emotional Eating, Fitness, Food, Measurements, Overeating, Self-Reflection

Dogs vs. Cats, His Parents vs. Mine.

Whoooooooo…… *deep breath* So, Rah-rah’s parents, his brother, and Sparky (Toby’s nemisis) came down to visit from Winnipeg, MB Canada.  They got here last night.  I was GREAT last night but now I’m starting to worry a little bit.  I had been doing really well with my working out and eating right lately so I thought I’d weigh in this morning.  The scale has not budged one inch!  How are the two related?  Well–we may not have the most restaurants per capita, but it certainly seems like it.  Food is the major attraction during their visit.  Last night, we descended on Famous Dave’s in search of good barbeque. We certainly found it.  Dave’s has got the best BBQ in the area (in my opinion).  Unfortunately, they also have tasty sides that boast outrageous calories/fat.  My favorite ‘treat’ there is the cornbread muffin: 

Famous Dave’s Cornbread Muffin:
Calories 390
Total Fat 20 g
Total Carbs 48 g
Sugars 23 g
Protein 5 g

Now, considering that my total allowance for each MEAL is supposed to be 350 calories or less, last night was kind of a disaster.  I not only had the cornbread muffin, I also had some toffee chocolate chip cookies that Mrs. Roomie made, boneless chicken and a cornbread puff.

At the moment, Toby is rolling around in catnip, Mrs. Roomie is surfing the web, Rah-rah is lamenting the release date of his newest game, I am resisting the urge to eat cookies and Mr. Roomie is making waffles and sausage for brunch.

On the agenda today is touring the cities and seeing some of the landmarks.  I know we are going to see a park, a cathedral, and a computer-parts/accessories store.  Tonight’s dinner is going to be at a Brazilian Steak House, served up buffet style.  I am hoping that I can just get the salad bar and stop myself from going crazy and diving head-first into a protein coma.  It might be harder than it seems, though, because Rah-rah’s parents and my parents are meeting for the first time today.  If that’s not something to be anxious about, then I don’t know what is.

I’m excited though.  And hopeful.  Always 🙂

Posted in Emotional Eating, Food, Menu Planning, Overeating, Recipe

Menu Monday: Mac n Cheese

Over the weekend I helped my sister out and babysat for my 6 year old niece.  I picked her up on Friday night and she spent the weekend with me.  Because of that, the weekend menu was geared more towards a younger pallet.  We made home-made mac n cheese with enriched elbow macaroni and some fresh cheeses (cheddar, a little bit of motz and some milk) and she just loved it.  While she was here, I taught her how to make french toast (learned a new way to crack eggs), and how to make “healthy” apple pie (how to use fractions and how to measure!)  She also got a chance to paint (she learned what “abstract” was), she got to draw on the windows (thank goodness for Crayola!), she got to view the moon through the telescope (yay Astrology), plus, she learned a little bit about budgeting because I set a price limit and then took her to Target to pick out her birthday gift.  All in all, it went really really well.  It was interesting to try to do the usual weekend activities (grocery shopping, running errands, planning menus, fixing cars..) with an opinionated, spirited, smart 6 year old along.  

Saturday: Macaroni & Cheese
Sunday: Pulled Pork Sandwiches
Monday: Waldorf Chicken Salad
Tuesday: Steak
Wednesday: Beef Stew
Thursday: Chili
Friday: Left Overs

Tonight’s plan for Waldorf Chicken Salad kind of happened–I still ate it.  But, before that, I was hanging out with my brother who wanted fast food for his dinner… so he proceeded to chant “cheese burger cheese burger cheese burger!” in my ear.  We stopped at Best Buy for him and I ate some raspberries so that I could “just say no!” to the fast food.  When he came out from the store, he had 1/2 a KitKat for me to thank me for driving him to the store.  Then we made it to the BK drive through and he’s nudging me and saying “c’mon! You know you want one…” so somehow instead of saying “1 shortstack” I said “2 shortstacks” and kept one for myself.. And scarfed it down.  When I got home, Rah-rah warmed up some left over super-cheese pizza, and I really “needed” some of that too.  So I had some.  And then I finished my waldorf chicken salad.

After that escapade, I was being goofy and ranting at Rah-rah and confessing everything that I had eaten.  I told him I’m going to get seasame seeds.  “Where?” he says. “On my buns!!” I squealed and pointed at my jiggly butt.

I am an admitted, confessed, trying to be reformed emotional eater.  Tonight’s food extravaganza was definitely a way for me to try to find comfort.  My sister collapsed at work today and ended up with a trip in an ambulance to the ER.  She’s okay, but I’m the type that I don’t panic in the face of an emergency, I process it afterwards… and now I guess I processed with fast food, pizza and still tried to “compensate” by eating my original healthy plan.

Because of the trip to the ER, my Phase 1 for the Warrior Dash has been rescheduled to tomorrow at 7am.  Wish me luck, and will power. 🙂