Posted in Counseling, Life + Living

Wibbly Wobbly

wibbly wobbly timey wimey

The Doctor:  People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint – it’s more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly… time-y wimey… stuff.

[spoiler] If you are sensitive to the subject of miscarriage, for your own sake, read no further.

Gotta dash. Things happening. Well, four things. Well, four things and a lizard.

Continue reading “Wibbly Wobbly”

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Posted in Counseling, Emotional Eating, Fitness, Life + Living, Overeating

Feelings and Free Things

The (guided) physical therapy certainly didn’t last long, did it?  Seems like I get a “first…” post and then it pitters off like it never existed.  It’s like posting about it jinxes it.  Jody called me on Friday to let me know that apparently policies had changed and she wouldn’t be able to handle my training any more.  She said that she’s still open to talking with me about nutrition, though.  She is someone who has recovered from disordered eating, so I think she has an interest in my patterns and potentially helping me with that too.

Lately, I’ve been feeling really off.  During lunch last week, my work-friend asked how I was doing, and I said that I just didn’t feel like myself–and that was enough to make my eyes well up with tears.  So then I’m apologizing and scrubbing at my face, and explaining I didn’t know where the emotion came from, and her eyes are welling up and she’s panicking “don’t cry! You’ll make me cry!”

So I talked to her a little about some of the things that have been stressing me out, and even though it was mighty embarrassing, I’m glad I did, because her reply was priceless.

Never apologize for the feelings that you have.

That was really helpful, and it prompted me to post on my weightloss group to see if anyone had any experience with disordered eating/coping.  One of the girls, Christy, said this:

 I think it’s really important to dig in and really confront your emotions with a compassionate heart and allow yourself to feel them completely, and know that it’s okay. It’s amazing how therapeutic it can be to have a loud, messy sob fest! The key is just allowing yourself, completely free of judgement, to feel everything. Even if part of you is saying you shouldn’t feel what you’re feeling, just tell that part to shut up because whatever you feel is legitimate. It doesn’t mean you have to let that feeling dictate your actions, but you need to let yourself feel it. Are you jealous? Pissed off? Lonely? Scared? Doubting? Self-pitiful? All valid!!

That’s definitely a route I’m trying.

Tonight, Jeff was simultaneously the best and the worst.  I’m a dum dum who decided to pour marinade on my pulled pork, thinking it was bbq sauce.  He burst out laughing, “I’m Megan, and I don’t read the bottle,” meanwhile I’m staring at my plate in mourning. Once he realized I was bummed, he switched to reassurance mode “don’t worry, it’ll be good, I promise.”  Then, as if to make good on his promise, he put the marinade on his own pulled pork sandwich, too.

Today on Facebook, the Guthrie Theater announced that they were giving away free tickets to go see Othello.  I thought for sure it was an April Fool’s prank, (look at the date, after all!) but my co-worker scored a pair so I picked up the phone and called immediately.  Let’s just say I’m going to go to a play tonight for free 😉

I don’t know if I’ll actually *like* the play or not, but you can’t argue with free, can you?

Posted in College, Counseling, Emotional Eating, Fitness, Food, Life + Living, Overeating, Self-Reflection, Strength Training, Weight Watchers

Hard truths: a brief on why I need to lose weight

Reason one: Because this view is distracting when I’m trying to study:

image

image

Now with problem area highlighted in blue.

Solutions currently in progress:
-iaido
-fitness 19 membership
-conscious eating
-weight loss support group (online)

I just need to keep working on my solutions and the problems will solve themselves.

Posted in College, Counseling, Emotional Eating, Fitness, Gaming, Life + Living, Menu Planning, Overeating, Wedding Planning

2012 – Out with the old…

Most bloggers are doing posts about 2012 and showing their personal version of the year in review. I keep TRYING to come up with things to talk about, but, all of you have been with me through the ups and downs of 2012.

We rang in the new year with news of my engagement, and then barreled right into the rest of the year, much of which was spent studying.

In March, my parents officially lost their house and so we moved them to their new home.  I kept busy with work.

In April/May, Jeff and I got our own place

June and July had us traveling to Canada for adventures galore.

August was probably my favorite month of all, because we got to have our Bridal Party Get Together. And–GW2 came out..

September and October were especially difficult but life has honestly been on an upward swing ever since.

November was a slow month, blogging-wise, but I had my highest-hitting blog entry with my Search for 1st Dance Wedding Songs (we’re still undecided).

December was probably the best month of the year and leaves me happily looking forward to 2013.

I have some new year’s resolutions tumbling around in my head, so, hopefully those will get posted tomorrow 🙂 For now, I’m off to make merry and ring in the new year with the family!  Thank you for reading my blog!

 

Posted in Counseling

Nope, still in a slump

“Settle down it’ll all be clear. Don’t pay no mind to the demons they fill you with fear. Trouble it might drag you down, if you get lost you can always be found. Just know you’re not alone, ’cause I’m gonna make this place your home…”

I’m working on it. ❤

Posted in Counseling, Emotional Eating, Fitness, Life + Living, Self-Reflection

Third Visit – and Dysthymia

The exact cause of dysthymia is unknown. It tends to run in families. Dysthymia occurs more often in women than in men and affects up to 5% of the general population.

The main symptom of dysthymia is a low, dark, or sad mood on most days for at least 2 years. In children and adolescents, the mood can be irritable instead of depressed and may last for at least 1 year.

In addition, two or more of the following symptoms will be present almost all of the time that the person has dysthymia:

  • Feelings of hopelessness
  • Too little or too much sleep
  • Low energy or fatigue
  • Low self-esteem
  • Poor appetite or overeating
  • Poor concentration

People with dysthymia will often take a negative or discouraging view of themselves, their future, other people, and life events. Problems often seem more difficult to solve. (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001916/)

I had the third visit with the counselor the other day and after telling her of the stresses, trouble concentrating at work, et al, she asked me to consider dysthymia.  I think that’s why I haven’t updated.  It’s overwhelming to consider that there might actually be something physical causing my trouble sleeping, trouble focusing, poor self-esteem, and over-eating.

I guess the light that I’m trying to consider is that if there’s a cause, there can be a cure.  But that’s something I’m still looking into.  In the mean time, I’ve re-joined sparkpeople and posted a blog about my “ah-ha” moment over there.  Since I just re-joined that site, I’m not really diving into the “Hey! I have issues..” thing, but I told of looking through our engagement pictures and completely ruining the experience for myself by being so self-critical.  So, first things first – the 3 W goals for the week – Water, Wake, Walk.  64 oz of water, 1 get-up-and-go song/day, and go for 1 walk/day.

The last time I got to good it was through sleep, nutrition, and exercise.  Maybe it can work again ❤

Posted in Counseling, Self-Reflection, Wedding Planning

Second visit

I think I might have found a counselor that suits my needs. After the first (would it be too much to describe it as harrowing?) experience, I contacted my employee assistance program hotline again. I was lucky enough to talk to someone named Al, and he had a lot of good things to say:

  • “Continue success.  You’re on the right track.  You’re doing well with how much you’re dealing with.  Just give yourself a reward once in a while!”
  • Make a list!  After every 3 items, put a reward.  My reward might be different than your reward, but put in in there.  Just break it up–because otherwise it just becomes one thing after another after another. A reward doesn’t have to be food.  It could be going for a short walk, or visiting a fun website, or calling a favorite friend.
  • Tell yourself every morning “I’m going to do the best job that I can, with the resources that I have, and the time I’ve been given.”
  • You have everything with you, [all the tools that you need to be successful.]  The key is finding someone who can help support you in that.  And that’s where the counselor comes in.
  • If you go in and say “Doc, I’m broke, fix me,” they’re not going to know where to start.  Be specific about the goals that you have, and it’s not unreasonable to expect results in five weeks.

So, with Al’s wisdom, I saw the next counselor.  This time, I went in with a goal–I am stressed, I want to know how to de-stress, and cope with stress. I met with her yesterday and started off the conversation cordially “Have you had to write the date yet today..? It’s 10-11-12.”  “Oh! I hadn’t noticed that.  I’ll have to share that..”

This time, the office was clean, presentable, she introduced herself and I felt at ease.

“So, what brings you to counseling, today?”

“I am stressed, and I would like to have tools to deal with that stress.  I go to school, I go to work, I’m trying to lose weight–and I’m quite overwhelmed.  But there will always be stress in life, so I would like to know how to balance it and to cope with it.”

She was receptive to me, the conversation started out pretty well, and then she hit me with perception.  “Has something heartbreaking happened?  You seem hurt.”

Until she said those words – Heartbreaking, hurt – I didn’t realize just how right she was.  My relationship has been through some trials lately, and in working through it, I convinced myself that I was alright.  I knew I wasn’t 100% better, but I didn’t recognize that it was this lingering heartbreak that was holding me back.

We talked about what happened, and it was freeing to share everything with someone who wasn’t going to paint anyone out to be the bad guy/girl.  It was freeing to admit that I felt betrayed and that I still felt as if I could be second best, even though I am treated like number one.

She comforted me with facts.  The divorce rate is huge, and based on my own experience, I should know that distance is not a deterrent to relationships.  He chose me.  He has chosen me, every time he’s presented with the chance not to.  We are good for each other and I just need to believe it when he says that I’m the one for him.

The rest of the session went exceptionally well.  At first, when I left, I was concerned about my heartbreak and how to fix it.  I was able to do some reflection and realized that I thought everything was fixed, but really I was just holding it together like a bad entry on ‘there-I-fixed-it.’  Now that I know that there’s still a problem, I can take intentional steps to get better.  To heal my broken heart and mend the relationships with the people important to me.

One thing that hinders our understanding is that the English language is actually quite limited in describing different forms of love. We lump love for a spouse, a child, a pet, a job, a higher power, yourself, a good meal, and family members into one generic word. Other languages have specific words for different types of love, so the best we can do is make up some new ones. So this post is going to cover “romantic love” and “committed love”, two of the most often confused and discussed in my office

Romantic Love This is the type of love that is the stuff of countless poems, songs, films, and fantasies. The all-consuming, heart-skips-a-beat, shooting stars in the sky during a kiss, can’t wait until he/she calls, crazy kind of love. Most committed partnerships start here (romantic love usually doesn’t last more than a year), in the phase of intensity, “connection”, longing, focus, and feeling that is hard to describe and feels special. What a ride this can be! This is the stage where people generally describe being “in love” or “falling in love”, and is the stage of courting and being in a state of “fusion”.

Committed Love Robert Johnson, a Jungian writer, calls this “stirring the oatmeal” love, and describes it as: “…a willingness to share ordinary human life, to find meaning in the simple, unromantic tasks: earning a living, living within a budget, putting out the garbage, feeding the baby in the middle of the night. To ‘stir the oatmeal’ means to find the relatedness, the value, even the beauty in simple ordinary things, not to eternally demand a cosmic drama, an entertainment or an extraordinary intensity in everything. Like the rice hulling of the Zen monks, the spinning wheel of Gandhi, the tent making of Saint Paul, it represents the discovery of the sacred in the midst of the humble and ordinary.”

(http://willmeekphd.com/item/romantic-vs-committed-love)

And so, I’ve learned that I have heartbreak to deal with.  But, more than that, I’ve learned (or perhaps I’ve finally accepted) that Jeff chose me.  Time, and time, and time again, he’s chosen me.  He’s my committed love, and I am his–no matter that there was a romantic love in the past, ours is the love that has staying power.

I think exploring this is going to help me to sleep better at night and to handle stress much better, because I have peace, now, about where we’re at, where we’re going, and hope that we can be little old folks holding hands while feeding ducks.

I’ve talked to both parties involved, and discussed with them where I’m at, and where I’d like to be in my relationships with them.  It’s not fair to blog about a person without their knowledge or consent.  There are still bonds that need to be mended, hearts that need to be forgiven, faith that needs to be restored.  But I am comforted that everything happens for a reason and this trial tested my relationship with my future husband in a way that could have broken it to pieces.  But we got through it together and that proves to me, more than happiness could, that we’re meant to be together.  There were also lessons learned for the other person involved that will lead to personal development and healthier relationships there, too.  Because of this, because of the good things that can come out of it, I think I’m one step closer to being okay.