The Doctor: People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint – it’s more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly… time-y wimey… stuff.
[spoiler] If you are sensitive to the subject of miscarriage, for your own sake, read no further.
Gotta dash. Things happening. Well, four things. Well, four things and a lizard.
The (guided) physical therapy certainly didn’t last long, did it? Seems like I get a “first…” post and then it pitters off like it never existed. It’s like posting about it jinxes it. Jody called me on Friday to let me know that apparently policies had changed and she wouldn’t be able to handle my training any more. She said that she’s still open to talking with me about nutrition, though. She is someone who has recovered from disordered eating, so I think she has an interest in my patterns and potentially helping me with that too.
Lately, I’ve been feeling really off. During lunch last week, my work-friend asked how I was doing, and I said that I just didn’t feel like myself–and that was enough to make my eyes well up with tears. So then I’m apologizing and scrubbing at my face, and explaining I didn’t know where the emotion came from, and her eyes are welling up and she’s panicking “don’t cry! You’ll make me cry!”
So I talked to her a little about some of the things that have been stressing me out, and even though it was mighty embarrassing, I’m glad I did, because her reply was priceless.
Never apologize for the feelings that you have.
That was really helpful, and it prompted me to post on my weightloss group to see if anyone had any experience with disordered eating/coping. One of the girls, Christy, said this:
I think it’s really important to dig in and really confront your emotions with a compassionate heart and allow yourself to feel them completely, and know that it’s okay. It’s amazing how therapeutic it can be to have a loud, messy sob fest! The key is just allowing yourself, completely free of judgement, to feel everything. Even if part of you is saying you shouldn’t feel what you’re feeling, just tell that part to shut up because whatever you feel is legitimate. It doesn’t mean you have to let that feeling dictate your actions, but you need to let yourself feel it. Are you jealous? Pissed off? Lonely? Scared? Doubting? Self-pitiful? All valid!!
That’s definitely a route I’m trying.
Tonight, Jeff was simultaneously the best and the worst. I’m a dum dum who decided to pour marinade on my pulled pork, thinking it was bbq sauce. He burst out laughing, “I’m Megan, and I don’t read the bottle,” meanwhile I’m staring at my plate in mourning. Once he realized I was bummed, he switched to reassurance mode “don’t worry, it’ll be good, I promise.” Then, as if to make good on his promise, he put the marinade on his own pulled pork sandwich, too.
Today on Facebook, the Guthrie Theater announced that they were giving away free tickets to go see Othello. I thought for sure it was an April Fool’s prank, (look at the date, after all!) but my co-worker scored a pair so I picked up the phone and called immediately. Let’s just say I’m going to go to a play tonight for free 😉
I don’t know if I’ll actually *like* the play or not, but you can’t argue with free, can you?
Reason one: Because this view is distracting when I’m trying to study:
Now with problem area highlighted in blue.
Solutions currently in progress:
-iaido
-fitness 19 membership
-conscious eating
-weight loss support group (online)
I just need to keep working on my solutions and the problems will solve themselves.
Most bloggers are doing posts about 2012 and showing their personal version of the year in review. I keep TRYING to come up with things to talk about, but, all of you have been with me through the ups and downs of 2012.
We rang in the new year with news of my engagement, and then barreled right into the rest of the year, much of which was spent studying.
In March, my parents officially lost their house and so we moved them to their new home. I kept busy with work.
In April/May, Jeff and I got our own place
June and July had us traveling to Canada for adventures galore.
August was probably my favorite month of all, because we got to have our Bridal Party Get Together. And–GW2 came out..
September and October were especially difficult but life has honestly been on an upward swing ever since.
November was a slow month, blogging-wise, but I had my highest-hitting blog entry with my Search for 1st Dance Wedding Songs (we’re still undecided).
December was probably the best month of the year and leaves me happily looking forward to 2013.
I have some new year’s resolutions tumbling around in my head, so, hopefully those will get posted tomorrow 🙂 For now, I’m off to make merry and ring in the new year with the family! Thank you for reading my blog!
“Settle down it’ll all be clear. Don’t pay no mind to the demons they fill you with fear. Trouble it might drag you down, if you get lost you can always be found. Just know you’re not alone, ’cause I’m gonna make this place your home…”
I’m working on it. ❤
The exact cause of dysthymia is unknown. It tends to run in families. Dysthymia occurs more often in women than in men and affects up to 5% of the general population.
The main symptom of dysthymia is a low, dark, or sad mood on most days for at least 2 years. In children and adolescents, the mood can be irritable instead of depressed and may last for at least 1 year.
In addition, two or more of the following symptoms will be present almost all of the time that the person has dysthymia:
- Feelings of hopelessness
- Too little or too much sleep
- Low energy or fatigue
- Low self-esteem
- Poor appetite or overeating
- Poor concentration
People with dysthymia will often take a negative or discouraging view of themselves, their future, other people, and life events. Problems often seem more difficult to solve. (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001916/)
I had the third visit with the counselor the other day and after telling her of the stresses, trouble concentrating at work, et al, she asked me to consider dysthymia. I think that’s why I haven’t updated. It’s overwhelming to consider that there might actually be something physical causing my trouble sleeping, trouble focusing, poor self-esteem, and over-eating.
I guess the light that I’m trying to consider is that if there’s a cause, there can be a cure. But that’s something I’m still looking into. In the mean time, I’ve re-joined sparkpeople and posted a blog about my “ah-ha” moment over there. Since I just re-joined that site, I’m not really diving into the “Hey! I have issues..” thing, but I told of looking through our engagement pictures and completely ruining the experience for myself by being so self-critical. So, first things first – the 3 W goals for the week – Water, Wake, Walk. 64 oz of water, 1 get-up-and-go song/day, and go for 1 walk/day.
The last time I got to good it was through sleep, nutrition, and exercise. Maybe it can work again ❤
I think I might have found a counselor that suits my needs. After the first (would it be too much to describe it as harrowing?) experience, I contacted my employee assistance program hotline again. I was lucky enough to talk to someone named Al, and he had a lot of good things to say:
So, with Al’s wisdom, I saw the next counselor. This time, I went in with a goal–I am stressed, I want to know how to de-stress, and cope with stress. I met with her yesterday and started off the conversation cordially “Have you had to write the date yet today..? It’s 10-11-12.” “Oh! I hadn’t noticed that. I’ll have to share that..”
This time, the office was clean, presentable, she introduced herself and I felt at ease.
“So, what brings you to counseling, today?”
“I am stressed, and I would like to have tools to deal with that stress. I go to school, I go to work, I’m trying to lose weight–and I’m quite overwhelmed. But there will always be stress in life, so I would like to know how to balance it and to cope with it.”
She was receptive to me, the conversation started out pretty well, and then she hit me with perception. “Has something heartbreaking happened? You seem hurt.”
Until she said those words – Heartbreaking, hurt – I didn’t realize just how right she was. My relationship has been through some trials lately, and in working through it, I convinced myself that I was alright. I knew I wasn’t 100% better, but I didn’t recognize that it was this lingering heartbreak that was holding me back.
We talked about what happened, and it was freeing to share everything with someone who wasn’t going to paint anyone out to be the bad guy/girl. It was freeing to admit that I felt betrayed and that I still felt as if I could be second best, even though I am treated like number one.
She comforted me with facts. The divorce rate is huge, and based on my own experience, I should know that distance is not a deterrent to relationships. He chose me. He has chosen me, every time he’s presented with the chance not to. We are good for each other and I just need to believe it when he says that I’m the one for him.
The rest of the session went exceptionally well. At first, when I left, I was concerned about my heartbreak and how to fix it. I was able to do some reflection and realized that I thought everything was fixed, but really I was just holding it together like a bad entry on ‘there-I-fixed-it.’ Now that I know that there’s still a problem, I can take intentional steps to get better. To heal my broken heart and mend the relationships with the people important to me.
One thing that hinders our understanding is that the English language is actually quite limited in describing different forms of love. We lump love for a spouse, a child, a pet, a job, a higher power, yourself, a good meal, and family members into one generic word. Other languages have specific words for different types of love, so the best we can do is make up some new ones. So this post is going to cover “romantic love” and “committed love”, two of the most often confused and discussed in my office
Romantic Love This is the type of love that is the stuff of countless poems, songs, films, and fantasies. The all-consuming, heart-skips-a-beat, shooting stars in the sky during a kiss, can’t wait until he/she calls, crazy kind of love. Most committed partnerships start here (romantic love usually doesn’t last more than a year), in the phase of intensity, “connection”, longing, focus, and feeling that is hard to describe and feels special. What a ride this can be! This is the stage where people generally describe being “in love” or “falling in love”, and is the stage of courting and being in a state of “fusion”.
Committed Love Robert Johnson, a Jungian writer, calls this “stirring the oatmeal” love, and describes it as: “…a willingness to share ordinary human life, to find meaning in the simple, unromantic tasks: earning a living, living within a budget, putting out the garbage, feeding the baby in the middle of the night. To ‘stir the oatmeal’ means to find the relatedness, the value, even the beauty in simple ordinary things, not to eternally demand a cosmic drama, an entertainment or an extraordinary intensity in everything. Like the rice hulling of the Zen monks, the spinning wheel of Gandhi, the tent making of Saint Paul, it represents the discovery of the sacred in the midst of the humble and ordinary.”
And so, I’ve learned that I have heartbreak to deal with. But, more than that, I’ve learned (or perhaps I’ve finally accepted) that Jeff chose me. Time, and time, and time again, he’s chosen me. He’s my committed love, and I am his–no matter that there was a romantic love in the past, ours is the love that has staying power.
I think exploring this is going to help me to sleep better at night and to handle stress much better, because I have peace, now, about where we’re at, where we’re going, and hope that we can be little old folks holding hands while feeding ducks.
I’ve talked to both parties involved, and discussed with them where I’m at, and where I’d like to be in my relationships with them. It’s not fair to blog about a person without their knowledge or consent. There are still bonds that need to be mended, hearts that need to be forgiven, faith that needs to be restored. But I am comforted that everything happens for a reason and this trial tested my relationship with my future husband in a way that could have broken it to pieces. But we got through it together and that proves to me, more than happiness could, that we’re meant to be together. There were also lessons learned for the other person involved that will lead to personal development and healthier relationships there, too. Because of this, because of the good things that can come out of it, I think I’m one step closer to being okay.
The cool thing about seeking counseling is that it doesn’t make you weird. To prove it, I’m going to write a very NORMAL entry. Well, aside from Saffron… a spice that is valued in tiny quantities, but dangerous in abundance. This week, Jeff and I expanded our spicy horizons to include threads of Saffron. We’ve been talking a lot about things that make us happy, things we enjoy doing as a couple. One of the things that we really enjoy (time permitting) is cooking together. While making the menu this weekend, I came across a recipe for “Spanish Chickpea, Tomato, and Kale Stew.” Interesting.. I thought..
Oop.. this recipe is out.. Saffron. Who just has saffron sitting around in their pantry? *scoff*
So yeah, reading through the recipe I waffled a couple times on whether we could actually pull this recipe off. I’d LOVE to show you a picture of our masterpiece all pretty in our matte black bowls… but guess who forgot to go to the liquor store? Ha. Guess that means we can’t re-enact any scenes from My Drunk Kitchen (Pizza, unlike old coca-cola is best served flat!)
Anyway.. after mulling over the stew recipe (combine saffron + water, set aside, heat onions and bell pepper in the oil until onions start to soften, then stir in all seasonings including saffron-water, add kale and cook, stirring constantly, until either you or the kale are wilted. Add sherry–to the stew, not your mouth, and cook until almost all the liquid is gone. Add everything else and bring to a boil. Cover, then reduce heat and simmer, stirring occasionally for about 30 minutes.) The actual recipe in all of its lovely entirety can be found in the Weight Watchers Points Plus Power Foods Cookbook: 200 Simple & Satisfying Recipes book, on page 188. Copyright Weight Watchers International, Inc. 2011.
The rest of our menu is pretty straight forward with nothing nearly as exotic as saffron stew. It’s got things like salmon, spaghetti, and meatloaf on it.. The good news, though, is that I was able to organize my cupboard in my quest for recipe ingredients. Isn’t it pretty?
Yeah.. it’s probably wrecked by the time you’re reading this… >_>
TL:DR – went to counseling. It sucked. I’m going to find a better match.
So, I’m sitting here at the moment.. eating cereal with a fork because there are no more spoons.. trying to figure out what I have to do for the day. Dishes, obviously. I hate that when I get into a funk, there is a cascade of things that stop getting done–cleaning being one of the first. Next is cooking, working out, eating right, and then showering. This is probably a good thing, though, because when your hair is gross and you have nothing/no way to eat–you’re motivated to do something about it.
I don’t know why but cleaning up and seeing my accomplishments always makes me feel a lot better. One of the first things on my to-do list today includes blogging about the first steps. I’ve had a lot of positive feedback, and a lot of silence about my most previous post. My WordPress entries get shared to my facebook page (and all of the friends who choose to click the link) so a majority of my entries are superficial and at the very least entertaining (I hope?) So, for me to now be posting something so heavy is a little nerve wracking. Hopefully the friends who choose to read it will talk to me.
——–
One of the things that’s difficult about starting counseling is figuring out where to begin and what you want to talk about. On Monday, after work, I was asked to do just two more things and I was in tears over it. They were simple things. Easy things. But it was after a day of non-stop pressure to get everything done–missed breaks, looming deadlines, everyone needing everything right when they ask for it and drop anything else you’ve been asked to do because my need trumps their need. Is it understandable why I broke down into tears? Partially. But that also happens when I listen to sappy songs or see insurance commercials. Stress is stressful and like a judgy parrot in my ear my mom has always told me “you don’t handle stress well.” That kind of stressed me out.
Tuesday, I woke up and I was still just run down. A Kelly Clarkson song (Dark Side) came on the radio and I was a blubbering pile of mush. I went to work because I was supposed to meet with my manager about a deadline that I missed. I closed the door and tried to tell her in a level voice (which was probably hard to understand as I kept feeling overwhelmed) that I need to take the day off and I’m finally going to ask for help.
She was very supportive. She gave me the day off, canceled all of my meetings, told me to take as much time as I needed, but to make sure I clued Jeff into the situation and make sure that I’m not alone.
“I’m not in danger,” I replied, “you don’t have to worry about me.”
Apparently this sounds rehearsed and was not believed (really) by anyone who heard it. So, to make sure they weren’t fussing over me, and because I was going to tell him anyway, I called Jeff on my way back out to my car and told him I was not working that day and that I was finally going to ask for help.
When I got home, I had to have basically the same conversation with him that I had already had that morning with both my mom and my boss, and he was the third to react in much the same way “If you need the help, get the help. I’ll be here for you.” This was followed by my favorite kind of Jeff-hugs–the uber gentle yet strong ones that say he’ll hold me up if I can’t hold myself up.
I idled for a while, waiting for him to go to work and not quite realizing that he wasn’t going to leave.
My employer offers an Employee Assistance Program through ComPsych and so I just sucked it up and made the call while he was there. They did an availability search and signed me up to see the first person available. The next day.
“Hi, yeah, it’s Jeff. I’m not coming into the office today. My fiancee is having a bit of an emotional break down and I’d like to stay with her.”
Jeff and I just chilled out, napped, watched House and Dr. Who and Supernatural the rest of the day.
I worked from home for half the day following, and spent some time looking into this person they had referred me to..
Her website used a lot of fluff words. “I take a strength-based approach in counseling. We not only bring our problems to counseling, we also bring our problem solving and coping skills” I found myself judging this person, even though I had never met her and scoffed heartily at this statement. Coping skills?? COPING SKILLS?! I HAVE no COPING SKILLS! That’s why I’m going to come see you!
ahem
Still, though, the hardest part is always taking the first step. Even if she wasn’t the best fit for me, she was someone who was highly educated and presumably cared about helping people.
I found my way to a waiting room…nicely appointed, I suppose, if completely outdated. I sit anxiously and browse Pinterest on my phone until someone says my name.
I look up, say ‘Hello,’ and they disappear around a corner. I know their name and they know mine based on the 3rd party appointment, so I suppose no introductions are necessary. Assuming I am to follow this person, I find myself in an office with the same sort of outdated decor. She hands me paperwork, but all that I notice are the stains on her shirt and the ramen in the trash. There’s a dreamcatcher by the door.
They say that first impressions are the ones that get the most weight. No matter how hard you try to make up for it, a bad first impression isn’t going to get better. Still, though, I was there for help. She had handed me the paperwork to fill out and sent me out to the waiting room to get it done. After jotting down the above, I started looking through the pages and there was more fluff-talk and then some serious questions, which I answered to the best of my abilities. Jeff was written down as my fiance and emergency contact, stress was identified as the reason for my visit, etc.
I didn’t go on to elaborate that 1-2 hrs was during the work-week and that on weekends, I can play for 8+ hrs at a time. Nope. I wasn’t here for addiction counseling because it is a hobby, not an addiction. But, it was another point against her being a good fit for me.
When I returned to the room, she ruffled through the pages and thanked me for filling them out. Then she set them aside and asked what brought me to counseling. Stress. I briefly defined the stressors in my life (I listed off various items but summarized that I have felt overwhelmed in the past and just wanted the tools to deal with stress better).
I made the mistake of mentioning that starting BCP helped me to even out so that I wasn’t so extreme during that time of the month. Even though I emphasized that I was looking to develop some personal skills to handle stress and to dissipate it on my own, she latched on to meds like a bulldog with a bone. OOH! MEDS! MEDS ARE THE ANSWER! I’m off the hook! her face practically shouted. She mentioned that she thinks medication may help me and that she can’t prescribe it herself but that she can give me a referral for these really reliable folks she works with that are just right down the road. … 
I had been there less than 10 minutes and expressed quite clearly “I don’t think that’s the right option for me right now. I am looking for tools, not medication.” So then she went on about how previous patients have had success, and made it out so that everyone who gets on the pills are happy and fulfilled in their life. I asked if there’s any way to test to KNOW that I need medication and she said no, talked about the side-effects that could be experienced and said “You would have to take it for a few weeks before it reaches therapeutic levels and if you don’t see an improvement, they can always try the next type of medication for you.” I deadpanned and repeated that I don’t think it’s the right option for me right now. “Well, I’m not going to twist your arm and make you take medication, but I’m still going to give you this recommendation and you take it with you. Your primary care physician can make the referral, too, if you change your mind.” And her face made that “I’m awesome and just fixed your problems but you don’t know it yet” expression.
Medication isn’t going to take the stress out of work and its myriad of demands, college and its never-ending work-load, self-confidence issues partially impacted by a past relationship issue, sick cats, obligations to see family and friends even though I’m so busy all the time, lack of ability to lose weight even though I’ve been trying, financial woes, wedding planning, etc. I was trying to illustrate to her that I have a helluva lot going on at this time, but that I didn’t have very good ways to cope with it and I didn’t feel like I could stop doing what’s important to me — seeing friends/family, going to school, going to work, taking care of kitties, or wedding planning.
You know what she latched on to? My relationship. Even though half of the relationship was missing from the room. She wasn’t listening to me, and now had actively taken a stance against my significant other. And that FACE!! That “I’m right, but you just don’t know it yet” face..
I called an end to the session and declined to reschedule when she asked when next I’d be in.
Never, if I can help it.
————
The important thing here, though, is that it was not a waste of time. Making the phone call, getting a referral, asking for help, and then actually keeping the appointment when I felt a bit silly about it in retrospect–THOSE were the hardest things. Seeing this ill-fitted match is the worst that could have happened, but that just illustrates to me that it gets better.
The next step is to clarify what I want, what I need, what my goals are, and how someone else can help me to realize them. I’m going to have to call for another referral, but this time I’ll be clear in what I want vs. what I don’t, and I’ll screen their websites before I make an appointment. I may be giving up on that woman as a match, but this isn’t over, not by a long shot. I may be “feeling better” today than on Monday, but I’ve already stepped over the line–I’ve already declared that I need better tools to manage my stress and taken the step towards getting them. I’m not going to give up now just because my first attempt didn’t work.
You can buy your hair if it won’t grow
You can fix your nose if you say so
You can buy all the make up that M.A.C. can make
But if you can’t look inside you, find out “who am I to
Be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty?”
I make myself feel damn unpretty sometimes. Recently, I read a post by Honey I Shrunk the Gretchen about the struggles with self esteem and weight loss entitled You’re Not Alone. In reading the entry itself, I found myself welling up with tears because I know that I’ve been there and I didn’t realize other people would have the same thoughts that I did:
” I fantasize about getting plastic surgery: gastric bypass, liposuction. I research fad diets, crash diets, celebrity diets. I wonder whether Fen-Phen is still a thing, and if I could get some (it’s not and I couldn’t, thank goodness). Sometimes, on really dark days, when I’m staring into the mirror at the body that I inexplicably despise, I fantasize about just cutting the fat off of my body.” – Gretchen Powell
I, too, have days like that. When sitting, it feels like I’m just a stack of rolls… like the kids toy where they have to stack the rings in order. I want to throw the rings away. I just picture taking the pieces that I don’t like and trimming them off to reveal the person I feel like I should be inside. In the fantasy, it works just like woodcarving–no harm, no foul–but real life doesn’t work like that.
Unfortunately.
In the mean time, I’ve been considering diet pills. There’s a whole 4′ section of my grocery store dedicated to get-skinny-quick fads and remedies. At one point, I found myself hovering in front of the selection, biting my lip, hoping that I would find one that didn’t repel me. I even took one off the shelf that had been endorsed by Bob Harper “It’s formulated to his highest personal standards and made with clinically proven key weight-loss ingredients. You can trust it works!”
You can trust it works. You can trust it works. You can trust it works…. The words echoed in my head and I put the box back on the shelf and walked away with a quickness. In one moment, I was berating myself for even considering a quick fix, and at the same time I was mentally patting myself on the back for walking away. There are no quick fixes.
I’ve been on Spark People, I’ve gone through Weight Watchers, I’ve had a personal trainer, and weight loss clinics, diet coaches, and fad diets. I have the knowledge necessary to lose weight, but my problem is that I continue to eat my progress. There’s a bigger problem here that needs to be resolved. And I knew, at the moment that I referred one of Gretchen’s commenters to seek counseling that I was one who also needed to seek counseling. Working out and eating right don’t erase the scars that were left by the hurtful bullies pushing me over and saying they were going cow-tipping, or the person who burst out in laughter the first time I was confident enough to show a little skin, or the constant feeling of being judged–and not being found worthy–every time I’m somewhere glamorous people gather. I always hated shopping with my sister because she was fit and fabulous and I was tagging along as the fat friend. A celery stick isn’t going ot fix that. I’ve lost 45+ pounds, an I STILL have days where I get down on myself.
The negative self-talk, the disordered eating habits, the sabotaging food because I would otherwise keep eating it, the complete lack in self esteem that “Operation Beautiful” can’t fix… It’s not going to magically resolve itself even if I were to lose another 45 pounds.
So I’ve made the calls. I’m not going to be a hypocrite and tell people to seek counseling because they have the same dark thoughts that I do. I’m going to seek counseling and I am sharing it with you here today to say the same thing that Gretchen was trying to say – we’re not alone. You’re never alone. If you have self-destructive behaviors, or constantly put yourself down, if your way of “dealing with food” makes you feel ostracized or strange–there’s help.
Eating and Associated Disorders
National Association of Anorexia Nervosa & Associated Disorders (ANAD): 847-831-3438 (long distance)
National Mental Health Association: 800-969-6642 9AM-5PM Mon-Fri information on mental health topics and referrals, access to an info specialist
I’ll be chronicling my own experiences here. If you want to share your thoughts or your own struggles, feel free. And I encourage you to reach out and seek professional help, too. It’s not a bad thing, it doesn’t make you a bad person, and there are many people out there going through the same thing. We can do this.
MegsFitness 